Everything seemed to be going fine. One day you're laughing, talking to everyone about upcoming holidays, family gathering's, plans for the next few months. All seemed perfect. My husband was away at Yakima for training, nothing too big happened. My mom text me and said she was feeling sick, and couldn't get out of bed. Thought it was just the flu or something. Then I get a text from my sister about taking her to the ER because my mom's stomach was bloated, and she felt too weak to move. I pushed it aside as maybe it was just a hernia, nothing that couldn't be fixed with surgery. While in a meeting I missed the call. The call that has changed my life since. "Mom has cancer." I know it happens to people. I've had family with cancer. Just not my mom. It hit me, and it hit me hard. I just laid on the couch, like a child, with a pillow to my face screaming everything I could possibly think of. I did that for a good 2 hours, before I finally settled down enough to try to sleep. At 3 am, my mom called me, crying. At this point, we knew it was cancer, but she was told it was probably ovarian cancer, and they thought she caught it in time. My hopes went up a little. A few days later, more tests, and some scans, showed it as colon cancer. My heart dropped to the floor. My mother, the one person who would love me no matter what, is dying. No life expectancy given, no "time frame". She's only 52, I'm only 28. How could this happen? She has 5 kids, and 11 grand kids who need her. All I can think of is how much she's going to miss. We're 2300 miles away from her, and won't be moving back to our home town for another 7 months. Will she get to see her daughter, son-in-law, or grandchildren again before she passes? It makes me sick. So much heart break and pain, I can't even express everything I feel in words. My mom and I have had our problems. We didn't get along very well while I was growing up. No matter what happened though, she was always on the other end of the phone. Always the one who would pick up, no matter what time of day it was. Help if we needed money, hugs, babysitter, etc. She rarely ever said no to us, when we needed the help. Now, here she is, fighting the hardest battle she will probably ever have to, and I feel so completely helpless. 


Her stomach is bloated so much, it looks like she is overdue with triplets. Her arms are the size of sticks. My step dad had to take her to the ER last week because she passed out and couldn't remember who anyone was. Her sugar had dropped down to 25. They got her taken care of, and the next day, she began chemo. She is now constantly puking, and has began to lose her hair. Today, she had some fluid removed from her stomach for testing, and to help relieve some pressure. They found tumors. I'm not exactly sure how to respond to all of this. All I can do is cry, scream in to a pillow and just hope. I said I'd be there for her, fighting with her, but really, what does that mean? How much am I actually helping by just sending her a text and calling her everyday? She informed everyone to just put her in a nursing home to die. She gives up, she said. What am I supposed to do with that? I want to just go home, hug her and slap her. She can't give up. She is my mom and I need her. Am I selfish? Yes, absolutely. I need her though. I am not done having her here. I have a lot left to do in my life, and I want my mom here. She will continue fighting, even if I have to somehow force her to. I just don't want my mom to die. I love her so much more than I could ever imagine, and can't let her go yet. I don't feel it is her time. It crosses my mind every day, that I may be awakened with a call that she passed away in her sleep, but I won't believe it. It just doesn't seem real. It's not right. There is so much she hasn't been able to do. 


So, now begins my hardest journey. Coming to terms with this, and possibly preparing for the death of my mother. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through this yet. I'm not ready or willing to say goodbye.