T was given the emergency leave. We were able to go back to Ohio for 5 days. As soon as I saw her, my heart dropped. She looked so fragile, so frail. The way her eyes lit up when she saw the kids, was amazing. God, she loved them so much. She seemed to do well while we were there. Laughed and smiled a lot:) My sister had her baby boy the day we flew in, so my mom got to see him, and hold him. The day before we left, I laid in bed with her for awhile. That was my favorite part. She told me it would all be okay. The morning we left, and had to say our goodbyes was awful, and heart wrenching. As I hugged her, we both started crying. She asked if I was okay. I said no, and she started crying. She told me, "only a few more months and you'll be home. I'll be here." Those last words still hurt when I think of her.
On January 30th, my sister called me. Hospice was taking her to the hospital. Her pain could not be controlled, and her fever was 104, she had an infection. I asked if I could talk to her. I heard my mom say no, she was too weak. I wish someone would have just held that phone for me to hear her that one last time. About an hour later, they call and say she won't make it through the night. I started preparing to go home, so I could see her. Then it changed to she wouldn't make it through the day. I was starting to panic. Not even a half hour later, I got the call. My mom was gone. I flipped out. It was all so wrong. So very wrong. She only found out 3 months earlier. How in the hell could this happen?! My world fell apart in those few minutes. Everything just fell apart. I was on a plane on February 1st. Her visitation was the 2nd. That day... was awful. seeing her in that casket made a part of me literally just die. I still haven't found it. It's empty there. I just cried. She was buried in a nightgown, by request. A pretty mint color with flowers. Her casket was beautiful. Mother embroidered in the lid, surrounded by roses, just like her moms. She is wearing the matching key necklace each of us girls wear around our necks also. It was so hard letting them close that casket. I wasn't ready to let her go. I didn't want her to be left alone. She's not alone though. A piece of each of us was buried with her that day.
It hasn't gotten any easier. All the good memories seem to flood my thoughts when I try to sleep. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I ask her to be with me, and suddenly I get this overwhelming feeling it will be alright, so I fall asleep. I talk to her every day, as if she can hear me, and is right beside me. The kids color her pictures, and talk to/about her. It's comforting. My daughter knows her Maw Maw is in Heaven, watching over her. She knows she'll never be able to see her, touch her, kiss her or hug her. She does know she can talk to her anytime her little heart desires. She says she misses Maw Maw. I do too. My mom is so loved. She is greatly missed.
I miss the texts on birthdays, and holidays. That's pretty hard. Knowing she used to text at midnight on birthdays or holidays, and not receiving them anymore. It's been almost a month, and it still seems unreal. I know this will get easier, at least that's what I keep telling myself, and hear from my friends. I'm not so sure how long it will take. I'm so afraid of forgetting. That memories will start to fade. I refuse to let this happen. This pain and emptiness I feel, I would not wish on my worst enemy.
I love you, mom. Until We Meet Again. xoxo
