I find myself crying more and more, trying to prepare myself for what may happen. I have a tiny bit of hope that everyone is wrong. Maybe, just this once, someone screwed up. She's fine, it will all be okay. My mom will still be there when I move home. Wishful thinking.
Stop asking me if I'm okay. Of course I'm going to say yes, when all I really want to do is wrap my arms around the person asking and just bawl my eyes out, without having to explain afterward why I just did that. So much guilt coming with all of this. Why do I always have to feel like the burden of the world is on my shoulders, and mine alone? It's a bad habit I have, and one that I'm sure I won't quit anytime soon. I'm afraid to answer my phone when my sister calls. I'm not prepared to hear anything right now. I need to see her, talk to my mom for myself, alone. I need to tell her everything will be okay. If I can, is a different story. The shock I'm sure will set in when I see her, is something I am not prepared for. What do I do? I'm going to cry. I know it. I just want to lay there with her, in her bed, wrapped up like a little girl who jumps in bed, when a thunderstorm happens. I want her to tell me everything is going to be alright. I know it's not true. I want it to be true though, more than anything.
I don't let people around me know I am suffering as bad as I am. When on the phone, I feel the tears starting, I tell them I have something to do. Then I cry my eyes out. Literally. They hurt so bad right now. Nothing can possibly take this pain away. A piece of me is dying. I can feel it tearing away each and every day. This is something a band aid, nor a kiss can fix. No one can make it better. My mom is dying. Just typing that, makes my heart drop. I took her for granted, and shortly, she will be gone. That laugh... the most contagious laugh. Every time I tell her something funny her grand kids do. Where she can't breathe because she is laughing so hard. How I'll miss it. Watching her freak out when I make her watch a scary movie with me. Shopping trips, the, "you spent $80 on torn jeans"? I miss the stupid forwards I had in my texts everyday from her. Stupid, silly stuff. I miss it already. I love you so much, mom. But I know you will have to go eventually. There are some pretty awesome people up there waiting for you. You'll be taken care of, as will we. I just regret not telling you I love you every singe day, every phone call, every time I saw you. What is with that? How awful that I just couldn't say it? Now, I won't get to. Fuck this whole thing, and fuck cancer.
Thank whoever for my wonderful honey family I have acquired. Without them, I'd be an even bigger mess. They are my shoulder right now. I love each ad every one of you.
Fingers crossed that T gets emergency leave, so we can go home to say our goodbyes, and soon. I don't want to be stuck here, when she passes. I want to be at her bedside. I love you mom, so very, very much.
