Once upon a dream.

   Having weird dreams isn't a new thing for me. When I take melatonin they get extremely weird, and very vivid. Not too long ago I had one that actually sparked an interest for me. I've thought about it a few times over the past week. What if I could somehow bring a deceased family member back for 48 hours? No, the person would not resemble a zombie. He/she would come back just as they left, but in cases like my moms, the person would be able to be mobile. Able to do anything. However, at the end of the 48 hours, you would have to relive all of the pain you went through after losing your loved one, just like it was yesterday. Or you could opt out of that, and switch places with the loved one. They would go on living, and you would simply not exist on earth any longer. (told you they get weird)


   In my dream, I was given the opportunity. I took it. I decided the person of choice would be my father. He's been dead since I was 3. I don't remember anything about him at all. So, he was brought back. The first thing he wanted to do was see his 3 children. Not surprising. The 3 of us spent the first 24 hours talking with our dad. We went to visit his family. He looked just like the pictures I have seen of him. The next 20 hours we spent with he and our children. He got to meet his grand kids. As the time got closer to him leaving again, we set off to an open field. I knew I didn't want to take his place, and I'm sure he never would have asked that of me, if this scenario were ever possible in the first place. We spent the last few hours with the 4 of us just talking, crying and laughing. When it was time for him to go, it was easier than I thought. I was only 3 when he died and didn't have any clue what was happening. In my dream, I cried for a few minutes, but that was all. I don't know how I actually reacted when I was 3. I'm sure it went something like that. After I awakened, it was a little odd what just happened. I thought it was actually nice. My dreams are kind of awesome. 


   I assume many people would do the same thing I did. Make the choice to bring a loved one back, but not take their place. Then I thought about if it was one of my children, what would I do? I am almost positive I would have to take his/her place. Tough decision, but I would do it in a heart beat. 


   I always wonder what other people would do. Would they do the same as me, or just let it be? 

Life goes on, but it's so hard.

T was given the emergency leave. We were able to go back to Ohio for 5 days. As soon as I saw her, my heart dropped. She looked so fragile, so frail. The way her eyes lit up when she saw the kids, was amazing. God, she loved them so much. She seemed to do well while we were there. Laughed and smiled a lot:) My sister had her baby boy the day we flew in, so my mom got to see him, and hold him. The day before we left, I laid in bed with her for awhile. That was my favorite part. She told me it would all be okay. The morning we left, and had to say our goodbyes was awful, and heart wrenching. As I hugged her, we both started crying. She asked if I was okay. I said no, and she started crying. She told me, "only a few more months and you'll be home. I'll be here." Those last words still hurt when I think of her.

On January 30th, my sister called me. Hospice was taking her to the hospital. Her pain could not be controlled, and her fever was 104, she had an infection. I asked if I could talk to her. I heard my mom say no, she was too weak. I wish someone would have just held that phone for me to hear her that one last time. About an hour later, they call and say she won't make it through the night. I started preparing to go home, so I could see her. Then it changed to she wouldn't make it through the day. I was starting to panic.  Not even a half hour later, I got the call. My mom was gone. I flipped out. It was all so wrong. So very wrong. She only found out 3 months earlier. How in the hell could this happen?! My world fell apart in those few minutes. Everything just fell apart. I was on a plane on February 1st. Her visitation was the 2nd. That day... was awful. seeing her in that casket made a part of me literally just die. I still haven't found it. It's empty there. I just cried. She was buried in a nightgown, by request. A pretty mint color with flowers. Her casket was beautiful. Mother embroidered in the lid, surrounded by roses, just like her moms. She is wearing the matching key necklace each of us girls wear around our necks also. It was so hard letting them close that casket. I wasn't ready to let her go. I didn't want her to be left alone. She's not alone though. A  piece of each of us was buried with her that day.

It hasn't gotten any easier. All the good memories seem to flood my thoughts when I try to sleep. I cry myself to sleep sometimes. I ask her to be with me, and suddenly I get this overwhelming feeling it will be alright, so I fall asleep. I talk to her every day, as if she can hear me, and is right beside me. The kids color her pictures, and talk to/about her. It's comforting. My daughter knows her Maw Maw is in Heaven, watching over her. She knows she'll never be able to see her, touch her, kiss her or hug her. She does know she can talk to her anytime her little heart desires. She says she misses Maw Maw. I do too. My mom is so loved. She is greatly missed.

I miss the texts on birthdays, and holidays. That's pretty hard. Knowing she used to text at midnight on birthdays or holidays,  and not receiving them anymore. It's been almost a month, and it still seems unreal. I know this will get easier, at least that's what I keep telling myself, and hear from my friends. I'm not so sure how long it will take. I'm so afraid of forgetting. That memories will start to fade. I refuse to let this happen. This pain and emptiness I feel, I would not wish on my worst enemy.

I love you, mom. Until We Meet Again. xoxo

Here goes nothing... err, everything.

Mom stopped chemo. It's not working for her. Hospice has been brought in. Nothing more discomforting than receiving calls and messages saying I need to come home as soon as possible. My heart has been ripped in half. I thought/hope we have so much longer, and everyone is just so wrong. I don't want to say goodbye. I really, really don't. It's not fair. Don't lead me the line of bullshit about life not being fair, either. I don't want to hear it.

I find myself crying more and more, trying to prepare myself for what may happen. I have a tiny bit of hope that everyone is wrong. Maybe, just this once, someone screwed up. She's fine, it will all be okay. My mom will still be there when I move home. Wishful thinking.

Stop asking me if I'm okay. Of course I'm going to say yes, when all I really want to do is wrap my arms around the person asking and just bawl my eyes out, without having to explain afterward why I just did that. So much guilt coming with all of this. Why do I always have to feel like the burden of the world is on my shoulders, and mine alone? It's a bad habit I have, and one that I'm sure I won't quit anytime soon. I'm afraid to answer my phone when my sister calls. I'm not prepared to hear anything right now. I need to see her, talk to my mom for myself, alone. I need to tell her everything will be okay. If I can, is a different story. The shock I'm sure will set in when I see her, is something I am not prepared for. What do I do? I'm going to cry. I know it. I just want to lay there with her, in her bed, wrapped up like a little girl who jumps in bed, when a thunderstorm happens. I want her to tell me everything is going to be alright. I know it's not true. I want it to be true though, more than anything.

I don't let people around me know I am suffering as bad as I am. When on the phone, I feel the tears starting, I tell them I have something to do. Then I cry my eyes out. Literally. They hurt so bad right now. Nothing can possibly take this pain away. A piece of me is dying. I can feel it tearing away each and every day. This is something a band aid, nor a kiss can fix. No one can make it better. My mom is dying. Just typing that, makes my heart drop. I took her for granted, and shortly, she will be gone. That laugh... the most contagious laugh. Every time I tell her something funny her grand kids do. Where she can't breathe because she is laughing so hard. How I'll miss it. Watching her freak out when I make her watch a scary movie with me. Shopping trips, the, "you spent $80 on torn jeans"? I miss the stupid forwards I had in my texts everyday from her. Stupid, silly stuff. I miss it already. I love you so much, mom. But I know you will have to go eventually. There are some pretty awesome people up there waiting for you. You'll be taken care of, as will we. I just regret not telling you I love you every singe day, every phone call, every time I saw you. What is with that? How awful that I just couldn't say it? Now, I won't get to. Fuck this whole thing, and fuck cancer.

Thank whoever for my wonderful honey family I have acquired. Without them, I'd be an even bigger mess. They are my shoulder right now. I love each ad every one of you.

Fingers crossed that T gets emergency leave, so we can go home to say our goodbyes, and soon. I don't want to be stuck here, when she passes. I want to be at her bedside. I love you mom, so very, very much.

Christmas

Baked cookies with the kids, and sat them out for Santa. We watched Santa making his way toward us on the Norad site. Threw some carrots and oats out for the reindeer. Now I'm just waiting for them to go to sleep so I can make Santa's foot prints on the porch, and stock the tree. Everything went well today.

Talked to my mom, and she seemed happy:) She got some things to help her out, like a foot spa from one of my sisters. She also got a warm blanket and some new sheets. Looking forward to skyping with her tomorrow. She buzzed her hair. It looks nice actually. 

Merry Christmas, Happy Hannukah, or Happy holidays. Have a great day tomorrow everyone!!

Martina McBride - I'm Gonna Love You Through It

Day to Day

I keep waking up with a bad feeling something has happened, so I usually send a text, or call, like I did today. Haven't heard her voice in about a week. She's always sleeping. My step dad let me know she was sleeping and nothing has changed. She's still getting sick, and her mood swings are getting bad sometimes. I commend him for sticking it out with a calm head. I know how she can be, haha.

Not too much has changed, just going day to day. Her next chemo treatment is supposed to be on the 27th. Here's to hoping she is still willing to get it. I can only hope. Love you, mom.

Everything seemed to be going fine. One day you're laughing, talking to everyone about upcoming holidays, family gathering's, plans for the next few months. All seemed perfect. My husband was away at Yakima for training, nothing too big happened. My mom text me and said she was feeling sick, and couldn't get out of bed. Thought it was just the flu or something. Then I get a text from my sister about taking her to the ER because my mom's stomach was bloated, and she felt too weak to move. I pushed it aside as maybe it was just a hernia, nothing that couldn't be fixed with surgery. While in a meeting I missed the call. The call that has changed my life since. "Mom has cancer." I know it happens to people. I've had family with cancer. Just not my mom. It hit me, and it hit me hard. I just laid on the couch, like a child, with a pillow to my face screaming everything I could possibly think of. I did that for a good 2 hours, before I finally settled down enough to try to sleep. At 3 am, my mom called me, crying. At this point, we knew it was cancer, but she was told it was probably ovarian cancer, and they thought she caught it in time. My hopes went up a little. A few days later, more tests, and some scans, showed it as colon cancer. My heart dropped to the floor. My mother, the one person who would love me no matter what, is dying. No life expectancy given, no "time frame". She's only 52, I'm only 28. How could this happen? She has 5 kids, and 11 grand kids who need her. All I can think of is how much she's going to miss. We're 2300 miles away from her, and won't be moving back to our home town for another 7 months. Will she get to see her daughter, son-in-law, or grandchildren again before she passes? It makes me sick. So much heart break and pain, I can't even express everything I feel in words. My mom and I have had our problems. We didn't get along very well while I was growing up. No matter what happened though, she was always on the other end of the phone. Always the one who would pick up, no matter what time of day it was. Help if we needed money, hugs, babysitter, etc. She rarely ever said no to us, when we needed the help. Now, here she is, fighting the hardest battle she will probably ever have to, and I feel so completely helpless. 


Her stomach is bloated so much, it looks like she is overdue with triplets. Her arms are the size of sticks. My step dad had to take her to the ER last week because she passed out and couldn't remember who anyone was. Her sugar had dropped down to 25. They got her taken care of, and the next day, she began chemo. She is now constantly puking, and has began to lose her hair. Today, she had some fluid removed from her stomach for testing, and to help relieve some pressure. They found tumors. I'm not exactly sure how to respond to all of this. All I can do is cry, scream in to a pillow and just hope. I said I'd be there for her, fighting with her, but really, what does that mean? How much am I actually helping by just sending her a text and calling her everyday? She informed everyone to just put her in a nursing home to die. She gives up, she said. What am I supposed to do with that? I want to just go home, hug her and slap her. She can't give up. She is my mom and I need her. Am I selfish? Yes, absolutely. I need her though. I am not done having her here. I have a lot left to do in my life, and I want my mom here. She will continue fighting, even if I have to somehow force her to. I just don't want my mom to die. I love her so much more than I could ever imagine, and can't let her go yet. I don't feel it is her time. It crosses my mind every day, that I may be awakened with a call that she passed away in her sleep, but I won't believe it. It just doesn't seem real. It's not right. There is so much she hasn't been able to do. 


So, now begins my hardest journey. Coming to terms with this, and possibly preparing for the death of my mother. I don't think I'm strong enough to go through this yet. I'm not ready or willing to say goodbye.